I won't lie... I feel disconnected from people at times. I was told to rest till December, that I will not work and be Martha, but sit at our fathers feet and be Mary... the time will come for me to be a Martha but not right now.
You know, a lot of things have changed since leaving the forge. I can't believe really what a whirlwind my life has been, i needed to not do anything so I could focus on God and make decisions without hindrances or influences. I would love to be back at C3 with the youth and Tammy and seeing my younger brothers and sisters graduate this year. I can't tell you how much i wanted to be there when i was in the forge, let alone now being out and able to go. (i still pray over you guys!). The lord knew though that all these changes would have made me a bad leader and a horrible example of being a great leader.
I'm enjoying where my life is now and the Lord keeps giving and giving to the point I'm like man.... I'm doing NOTHING God what am I doing to deserve this? I LOVE the answer the Lord gave me back: he told me ( yes in my quiet time the Lord spoke to me, so I will say he told me). Right now in this time ... I am showing you how great my love is... so when its the hard times, the world's things people lust after will look like mere hand-me-downs. HE also said, sitting and learning is not doing anything... because one day i will have the answer to those who ask when many won't. At that point... I felt like such a sinner, I'm like gosh, I should be walking around quoting scripture left and right, but I don't read my bible enough or study the word enough. The Lord said though, Christal my love is not a measure on how much you should work, it's not a contest or a race... I give because you are my sheep, whether your in a pit or laying in green pasture or even nearing the lion, your enemy. You are still my sheep and I will provide for you. Yes I want you to do good... but when you sit in the purest light, even a bright light will look dull. ... soo true.. but that doesn't mean I don't try to shine as bright as my loving heavenly Father..
So it's weird... I'm resting and not serving for a church or a ministry but life is beautifully changing as God is writing a new chapter in my life... I love when I hand him the pen... his words always recaptures and renews my passion and heart.
PS by November i think i should be in a great enough place where I can hopefully start doing more with people or at least just in general catching up and hearing about lives. SO pray for me as I pray for you... 2 timothy- continue to run the race, and fight the good fight... :) Phileo- Chris
Friday, October 17, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Reguarding the post below.
God... is... amazing. Today as I walked through the day, thinking about my post and any negative side effects, I was overwhelmed with God's presence. I was so worried that i stuck my own scarlet letter(s) to my chest and that I may be looked at differently that i forgot that this wasn't about me.
As I re-read Genesis 1-8 today I was highly impacted. Adam and Eve when they sinned they tried to cover it up on their own. That is what we do. Well, reading after the truth came out... God clothed them.
Today... God clothed me. I saw now, after writing that post below and verbalizing what I did wrong, that all those times before I was clothing myself. Today though, I felt the burden of all those sins I wrote lifted off of me and a strength to allow my blog to stay and my deepest crimson letter was vanished. Somehow and I don't care how, my prayer for that blog is that we will realize that we are all in one war as Christian brothers and sisters and that we need to share our struggles with one another, so that we too may be healed. And my prayer is that we will be healed, not by our hand, but by the Hand of God, a healing that renews the Spirit and revitalizes our stamina against sin.
As I re-read Genesis 1-8 today I was highly impacted. Adam and Eve when they sinned they tried to cover it up on their own. That is what we do. Well, reading after the truth came out... God clothed them.
Today... God clothed me. I saw now, after writing that post below and verbalizing what I did wrong, that all those times before I was clothing myself. Today though, I felt the burden of all those sins I wrote lifted off of me and a strength to allow my blog to stay and my deepest crimson letter was vanished. Somehow and I don't care how, my prayer for that blog is that we will realize that we are all in one war as Christian brothers and sisters and that we need to share our struggles with one another, so that we too may be healed. And my prayer is that we will be healed, not by our hand, but by the Hand of God, a healing that renews the Spirit and revitalizes our stamina against sin.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Forget Fighting Alone
If someone told you to confess your sins, what image do you get in your head? I can tell you what I see... I see the woman almost being stoned for committing adultery. It's funny.. I like to look ahead to when Jesus tells her to go and sin no more but... I don't think its funny when that image of having my sin displayed for all the world to see comes into my head. It's even worse to think about it displayed in front of other Christians especially. So why is that?
Why do we as Christians struggle with telling each other our sins? Does the Bible not say that if we confess our sins to one another we would be healed?
I have a notion.... a feeling if you want to call it that, that sin would be defeated in our lives if we constantly told others what we needed help with and what we are struggling with.
So I am taking my own advice (nervously I might add) because sin is nothing to be proud of but it is something that must be confessed and asked to be forgiven for:
(A.- this if for you.)
My sins - so go ahead and start casting stones because I may actually need it.
Pride - it took me a long time to write this list (i wrote this one last) - I dont want anyone to know what I do wrong, I just want people to see the best in me. I even sat here and thought about how I could write some things differently so they didnt seem as bad.
Gossiping (probably the world's biggest)
Negativity (yeah i feel this is a sin because I used to to tear down not build up)
Laziness (in my Christian disciplines)
Cursing (yeah, ask me how Im slipping up like crazy lately... not quite sure)
Jealousy (self explanatory)
Lustfulness ( my eyes suck... sometimes I wish I could rip them out my head)
Adultery ( I guess those two go hand in hand because if i lust... I committed
adultery)
Lying - i struggled with what came first lying or lust but either way.. I do both.
Now the list goes on and on... but I am sure those are probably my biggest.
Man... the flesh is so weak, but God... God is so strong that those words I wrote is just a list. One day I wont have to struggle with it. One day I wont smell like this world or sometimes desire to act like it. One day I will be fully able to embrace being a child of God.
Why do we as Christians struggle with telling each other our sins? Does the Bible not say that if we confess our sins to one another we would be healed?
I have a notion.... a feeling if you want to call it that, that sin would be defeated in our lives if we constantly told others what we needed help with and what we are struggling with.
So I am taking my own advice (nervously I might add) because sin is nothing to be proud of but it is something that must be confessed and asked to be forgiven for:
(A.- this if for you.)
My sins - so go ahead and start casting stones because I may actually need it.
Pride - it took me a long time to write this list (i wrote this one last) - I dont want anyone to know what I do wrong, I just want people to see the best in me. I even sat here and thought about how I could write some things differently so they didnt seem as bad.
Gossiping (probably the world's biggest)
Negativity (yeah i feel this is a sin because I used to to tear down not build up)
Laziness (in my Christian disciplines)
Cursing (yeah, ask me how Im slipping up like crazy lately... not quite sure)
Jealousy (self explanatory)
Lustfulness ( my eyes suck... sometimes I wish I could rip them out my head)
Adultery ( I guess those two go hand in hand because if i lust... I committed
adultery)
Lying - i struggled with what came first lying or lust but either way.. I do both.
Now the list goes on and on... but I am sure those are probably my biggest.
Man... the flesh is so weak, but God... God is so strong that those words I wrote is just a list. One day I wont have to struggle with it. One day I wont smell like this world or sometimes desire to act like it. One day I will be fully able to embrace being a child of God.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Growing while Falling
So it's another night in NC and I sit in my car trying to get away from the madness that happens inside my home until 10 pm at night. I have the car shut off and I'm a little hot but I rather be hot than burn up gas frivously. Today though, unlike other days, my mind is clear, my soul is well, and my heart is not burdened.
It's hard to describe what has happened over the last couple of months. One day I felt like all my passion for this Christian walk was nearly spent. It has been a long hard road in the last year, almost as a marriage that has went completely wrong. You do everything you can to keep the vows that you had made so long ago but really when you look, you are just going through the motions. Thats how I felt, as if I was just going through the motions with God... I made this contract and here I am doing the "Christian" thing. The weird thing is.... I prayed and prayed that I would be doing more than just going through the motions but the passion was gone. I spent endless nights praying, not knowing or feeling that anyone was hearing me, asking... no begging God to let me know He was here. Nothing. I would get up everytime though try to justify why I'm not feeling it. Genesis 4:7 says, if you do what is right would you not be accepted? But if you do what is wrong, sin is crouching at your door, it desires to have you but you must conquer it. That became my life verse because Satan was throwing huge stumbling blocks in every way. Some I managed to jump over, some I barely missed, and others made me fall. However tired though.... I knew God still loved me and He was here... I just didn't feel it. It became very hard to even read my Bible but I remember the words of Chris Legg in the discipleship program I am in when he was talking about marriage/bible. He said that even if you didn't feel to.... do it anyways.
So I gave like I always would, most the times unprompted but sometimes prompted by God, I read my bible, and i prayed (never knowing if what I am hearing is the voice of God). Dying from the inside out but still wanting to fight a spiritual war with gloves off.
So, I don't think it was a mistake that Mother Teresa was the person I picked in the forge as a leader I read about, I clung to her, I researched her, I picked her apart. I dont know exactly what she went through when she called it the dark night of the soul, but I could understand what she meant and why she would never want anyone to ever read her journals of what was really going on behind the smile of an angel. She said that she did not know if there was a God. She kept going though. She was questioning and questioning what and why but knew without a doubt there was a God but at that moment probably was not feeling the love and joy.. peace (certain aspects of God) that she normally felt for a very long time. I don't believe she could have kept going in her ministry had she not believed in God.
I am writing the story that no one wants to talk about I guess because I know Im not the only Christian who ever felt like this.
Well, anyways there was a point to this blog. Today I picked up my Bible and I wanted to read it.... it wasn't forcing myself to and it wasnt going through motions... I wanted to get everything out of it that I could. Today i drove in my car and didn't turn of 107.3 and ride in silence... I blared my Christian music. Today I prayed... knowing and feeling that God was right here with me listening to my words.
You know something though... I would not give up those months when I had nothing to grasp hope onto other than some words in a book praying that those words are real and Im not just wasting my time. I wouldn't give up the nights I stopped myself from crying because it's weak to cry because tears dont change a thing. I wouldnt give up those months wrestling with God begging for a sign for a moment when things would change. I wouldnt give up the times when time stood still and did not move. I would not give up the days I was so tired because I could not sleep. I would not give them up because this is when I grew.
What a weird, but yet, perfect spiritual battle.
It's hard to describe what has happened over the last couple of months. One day I felt like all my passion for this Christian walk was nearly spent. It has been a long hard road in the last year, almost as a marriage that has went completely wrong. You do everything you can to keep the vows that you had made so long ago but really when you look, you are just going through the motions. Thats how I felt, as if I was just going through the motions with God... I made this contract and here I am doing the "Christian" thing. The weird thing is.... I prayed and prayed that I would be doing more than just going through the motions but the passion was gone. I spent endless nights praying, not knowing or feeling that anyone was hearing me, asking... no begging God to let me know He was here. Nothing. I would get up everytime though try to justify why I'm not feeling it. Genesis 4:7 says, if you do what is right would you not be accepted? But if you do what is wrong, sin is crouching at your door, it desires to have you but you must conquer it. That became my life verse because Satan was throwing huge stumbling blocks in every way. Some I managed to jump over, some I barely missed, and others made me fall. However tired though.... I knew God still loved me and He was here... I just didn't feel it. It became very hard to even read my Bible but I remember the words of Chris Legg in the discipleship program I am in when he was talking about marriage/bible. He said that even if you didn't feel to.... do it anyways.
So I gave like I always would, most the times unprompted but sometimes prompted by God, I read my bible, and i prayed (never knowing if what I am hearing is the voice of God). Dying from the inside out but still wanting to fight a spiritual war with gloves off.
So, I don't think it was a mistake that Mother Teresa was the person I picked in the forge as a leader I read about, I clung to her, I researched her, I picked her apart. I dont know exactly what she went through when she called it the dark night of the soul, but I could understand what she meant and why she would never want anyone to ever read her journals of what was really going on behind the smile of an angel. She said that she did not know if there was a God. She kept going though. She was questioning and questioning what and why but knew without a doubt there was a God but at that moment probably was not feeling the love and joy.. peace (certain aspects of God) that she normally felt for a very long time. I don't believe she could have kept going in her ministry had she not believed in God.
I am writing the story that no one wants to talk about I guess because I know Im not the only Christian who ever felt like this.
Well, anyways there was a point to this blog. Today I picked up my Bible and I wanted to read it.... it wasn't forcing myself to and it wasnt going through motions... I wanted to get everything out of it that I could. Today i drove in my car and didn't turn of 107.3 and ride in silence... I blared my Christian music. Today I prayed... knowing and feeling that God was right here with me listening to my words.
You know something though... I would not give up those months when I had nothing to grasp hope onto other than some words in a book praying that those words are real and Im not just wasting my time. I wouldn't give up the nights I stopped myself from crying because it's weak to cry because tears dont change a thing. I wouldnt give up those months wrestling with God begging for a sign for a moment when things would change. I wouldnt give up the times when time stood still and did not move. I would not give up the days I was so tired because I could not sleep. I would not give them up because this is when I grew.
What a weird, but yet, perfect spiritual battle.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
a lion devouring me...
I reach out my hand
to pull it back scarred and bruised
but you, O lord,
clean my wounds and overwhelm me with
your love.
For even though my soul is weary,
your strength overwhelms
my fatigue.
You Lord, love without bars
and allow me to persevere
without doubt.
David Crowder- all that I can give. The video is a little slow but it's the lyrics I wanted.
to pull it back scarred and bruised
but you, O lord,
clean my wounds and overwhelm me with
your love.
For even though my soul is weary,
your strength overwhelms
my fatigue.
You Lord, love without bars
and allow me to persevere
without doubt.
David Crowder- all that I can give. The video is a little slow but it's the lyrics I wanted.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
If everyone learned these lyrics...
Love is not a place to come and go as we please...
Love is not a fight- warren bafield
Love is not a fight- warren bafield
Thursday, June 12, 2008
A vision
So reading my post below, I realized something... when your ears and eyes and heart are open to what God wants to do He beckons you into a different realm.
As a kid who sits down at the feet of his grandparent hanging on to every word of a story retold from a different time, so did I sit at the feet of our Lord. Remember how the first part bored you and you were like awww man... grandpas crazy do I have to listen? Remember how it suprised you later how you were begging for another story?
That was what it was like praying last sunday morning and going to church... a chore. Nonetheless, I sat and listened and prayed. I was hooked.
It was amazing for me to learn, everything I was... everything I am going to be, not for me but for the Lord. The pain, tears, scars, lonliness of this walk, dreams lost and sleepless nights will all bring glory to Him who loves me unconditionally.
The Lord has given me this vision that makes hindsight 20/20. So i preciously hold on to what gives me purpose in life. I think this is the moment all Christians wait for, the question we all ask. God what am I here for? I love you God and want to serve you but where...how?
I also ask myself another question: did I sit down long enough for God to share what he wanted to embed upon my heart the first time? Did i rush God through the story?
Then it led to more questions. I have this vision that i know will take time, lost of time but i want to do it now... I look around where are all the other Christians? The ones who God speaks to everyday? The ones whom God shares his heart with? Where are all the Christians running around living out their God given potential?
Basically... where is Mother Theresa? Where are the women willing to give up their comfort to hold someone's hand while they die? Where are the men who are going to use their freedom of speech to put Bibles back in school especially if evolution is the primary message pushed up on our kids? Where are all the "militant" people for God? This world is still unsaved and dying... why are we resting?
last questions for myself though... so I have this vision, and my mouth talks big, but why arent my hands and feet moving? why am I resting?
I think... I've rested long enough.
As a kid who sits down at the feet of his grandparent hanging on to every word of a story retold from a different time, so did I sit at the feet of our Lord. Remember how the first part bored you and you were like awww man... grandpas crazy do I have to listen? Remember how it suprised you later how you were begging for another story?
That was what it was like praying last sunday morning and going to church... a chore. Nonetheless, I sat and listened and prayed. I was hooked.
It was amazing for me to learn, everything I was... everything I am going to be, not for me but for the Lord. The pain, tears, scars, lonliness of this walk, dreams lost and sleepless nights will all bring glory to Him who loves me unconditionally.
The Lord has given me this vision that makes hindsight 20/20. So i preciously hold on to what gives me purpose in life. I think this is the moment all Christians wait for, the question we all ask. God what am I here for? I love you God and want to serve you but where...how?
I also ask myself another question: did I sit down long enough for God to share what he wanted to embed upon my heart the first time? Did i rush God through the story?
Then it led to more questions. I have this vision that i know will take time, lost of time but i want to do it now... I look around where are all the other Christians? The ones who God speaks to everyday? The ones whom God shares his heart with? Where are all the Christians running around living out their God given potential?
Basically... where is Mother Theresa? Where are the women willing to give up their comfort to hold someone's hand while they die? Where are the men who are going to use their freedom of speech to put Bibles back in school especially if evolution is the primary message pushed up on our kids? Where are all the "militant" people for God? This world is still unsaved and dying... why are we resting?
last questions for myself though... so I have this vision, and my mouth talks big, but why arent my hands and feet moving? why am I resting?
I think... I've rested long enough.
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